just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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