is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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