NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
