My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
