You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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