she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
