HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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