I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
