Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I can feel your judgement through the phone
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
