His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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