I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
