i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
