He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
