So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize