So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
