i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize