You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
