We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
