no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
