a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize