I must be too annoying 4 u.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
