she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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