i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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