Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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