someone threw a dead crab at me
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
