I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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