Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
