Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
