I look better un-naked...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
