I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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