did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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