Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize