Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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