Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
