That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I can't turn off my feet"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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