His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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