you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Success! We fucked roommates!
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