Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
