Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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