I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
