Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize