I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
