I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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