walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
