ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
