I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
