I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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