I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
