I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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