i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
