I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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