note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
