guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
