you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
