True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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