I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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