I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
