she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
